Spew

25 pounds to freedom

MATT DRISCOLL: FINAL PHOTO >>>

As you may recall Weekly Volcano scribe Chuck Dula struck a deal with a bisexual female friend of his. If he could lose 25 pounds by May 1, then said friend — and another female to be determined later — would have a three-way with Mr. Dula. That's what we called inspiration.

Chuck chronicled his weight loss efforts every Tuesday here on Spew. There were highs and lows, fats and skinnies.

He didn’t make it.

He did drop 20 pounds, which is cool.

Below you can check out the before and after shot.

LINK: 25 pounds to freedom archive

 

25 pounds to freedom

CHUCK DULA: FINAL INSTALLMENT >>>

Editor's Note: As you may recall Weekly Volcano scribe Chuck Dula struck a deal with a bisexual female friend of his. If he could lose 25 pounds by May 1, then said friend - and another female to be determined later - would have a three-way with Mr. Dula. That's what we called inspiration.

Chuck chronicled his weight loss efforts every Tuesday here on Spew. There were highs and lows, fats and skinnies.

Below you'll find the last installment in Chuck's quest to be less fat and have sex with two women at the same time. Enjoy.

Beginning Weight: 174

I didn’t make it. May 1 came sooner than I anticipated. I am a failure.

Over the past four months I have climbed stairs, ran, raced other people on stationary bicycles, and rowed. I have tried a cabbage diet, a low carb diet, and starvation.

When I started this whole weight loss hoopla I weighed 195 pounds, had 21% body fat, and couldn’t run to the end of the block.

I now weigh 175 pounds, I have 14% body fat, and am running 3 miles a couple of times a week. My cardio has shot through the roof in such a manner that I am sure I could take on two women at one time. This, however, will not happen. Apparently, not even the paramount of my sexual fantasies could keep me away from my first true love, food.

This experiment hasn’t been without success, though, as I have haven’t been called fat for the past couple of weeks. Instead, I have been scorned for how skinny I have become. It is an interesting world.

Ending weight: 175

PREVIOUS 25 POUNDS TO FREEDOM COLUMNS ON SPEW

25 pounds to freedom

CHUCK DULA: LIGHT AT THE END OF THE FAT TUNNEL >>>

Editor's Note: As you may recall Weekly Volcano scribe Chuck Dula struck a deal with a bisexual female friend of his. If he can lose 25 pounds by May 1, then said friend - and another female to be determined later - will have a three-way with Mr. Dula. That's what I call inspiration. Chuck will be chronicling his weight loss efforts every Tuesday here on Spew. Below you'll find the latest installment in Chuck's quest to be less fat and have sex with two women at the same time. Enjoy.

Beginning Weight: 176

This will be the second to last installation chronicling my journey through fat hell. Over the last four months I’ve lost 20 pounds and 8% of my body fat. What I do for women… (specifically, two at the same time).

It's an interesting culture we live in now. Today we live in a globally connected society where visions of what might be considered beautiful can be shared by everyone. But this is a fairly recent event in the context of human existence. Since humans started going on dates to the local saber-tooth cookouts, they have looked for someone who looked like them. Pygmies dug pygmies for being short. Massai women dug Massai men for looking like Manute Bol. And lesbians bring a truckload of their belongings to first dates. Selective mating, then, has produced societies where people look the same. So, why is it that in a country like America, where there is a 2/3 rate of obesity, we are so consumed with being skinny? Why is it that, instead of eating tubs of bacon fat and deep-fried Twinkies we spend countless hours on cabbage soup diets and stair masters?

Booty. We do it for booty.

And booty is awesome. One love.

Ending weight: 174

PREVIOUSLY 25 POUNDS TO FREEDOM COLUMNS ON SPEW

25 pounds to freedom

CHUCK DULA: TOO SEXY FOR HIS SHIRT >>>

Editor's Note: As you may recall Weekly Volcano scribe Chuck Dula struck a deal with a bisexual female friend of his. If he can lose 25 pounds by May 1, then said friend - and another female to be determined later - will have a three-way with Mr. Dula. That's what I call inspiration. Chuck will be chronicling his weight loss efforts every Tuesday here on Spew. Below you'll find the latest installment in Chuck's quest to be less fat and have sex with two women at the same time. Enjoy.

Beginning Weight: 176

The trees leaves rustled as I carved up the road turning every pedal stroke into an answer. The hill on Point Defiance’s five-mile drive posed a question and I have spent the last 3 months coming up with a response to its daunting riddle. Now, digging in and riding lightly on my saddle, all I could hear was my rhythmic breathing and my pulsing heart. That is, until I heard my name.

“Chuck!”

The scream was filled with desperation and a yearning to stop this nonsense. My riding partner, now a couple of football fields away, asked if we could take a rest. As he crouched over, praying for vomit to give him some respite from the hell I had created, I took my shirt off.

“Is this not what you wanted? Are you not entertained?!” I asked him, in my mind at least.

His name is Barham and I called him an em-barham-sent. I can say tacky one liners like this now because I am ripped and nobody dares have any response to my jokes besides side-splitting laughter. I, however, do not laugh. I know I’m funny. ‘Cause I look sexy as fuck! I didn’t lose any weight this week ‘cause god can’t make a human any more perfect than I already am. Fuck a donut!

Ending Weight: A heart throbbing 176

PREVIOUS 25 POUNDS TO FREEDOM COLUMNS ON SPEW

25 pounds to freedom

CHUCK DULA: TIME FOR DRUGS? >>>

Editor's Note: As you may recall Weekly Volcano scribe Chuck Dula struck a deal with a bisexual female friend of his. If he can lose 25 pounds by May 1, then said friend - and another female to be determined later - will have a three-way with Mr. Dula. That's what I call inspiration. Chuck will be chronicling his weight loss efforts every Tuesday here on Spew. Below you'll find the latest installment in Chuck's quest to be less fat and have sex with two women at the same time. Enjoy.

Beginning Weight: 176

There comes a time in every man's life when they hit a wall and don't see the possibility of attaining a goal that they have set. I am almost to this point. I lost no weight last week. Zero. None. I'm hungry. I'm tired. I now have a little over two weeks to lose 6 pounds. I would say that this could be lost in the sauna but I'm not sure there is any water left in my body.

Here is my problem: I want to have a threesome. To have the mindset where you would try to lose 25 pounds in a four-month span to have a threesome you probably also like to party. I don't spend my off time putting together puzzles, churning butter, or rereading Crime and Punishment. I spend my off time getting tanked and thinking about two women at a time. I need a lifestyle change to get these last remaining pounds off.

With this in mind, I have devised a new plan. I'm going to stop eating and start taking heavy narcotics. No more stairs, no more health bars, no more sauna. Nope, just meth and hallucinations for me. If I can just stay awake and not eat until May 1st I should be fine.

Ending Weight: 176

PREVIOUS 25 POUNDS TO FREEDOM COLUMNS ON SPEW

25 pounds to freedom

CHUCK DULA: GETTING THERE >>>

Editor's Note: As you may recall Weekly Volcano scribe Chuck Dula struck a deal with a bisexual female friend of his. If he can lose 25 pounds by May 1, then said friend - and another female to be determined later - will have a three-way with Mr. Dula. That's what I call inspiration. Chuck will be chronicling his weight loss efforts every Tuesday here on Spew. Below you'll find the latest installment in Chuck's quest to be less fat and have sex with two women at the same time. Enjoy.

Beginning Weight: 180

This is true: While hanging out with my friend in Tacoma, I was approached by a cracked-out meth-head female who asked me if I had any black? I had no idea what she was talking about. She then kindly clarified her request by explaining that she was looking for some black tar heroin. I laughed and told her that I didn‘t have any heroin. She then wanted to know what I did have. Instead of being baffled as to why this complete stranger might think that I was the “Candy Man,” I took this as a compliment. I have officially lost enough weight for a crack head to not believe that I could look the way I do without loads of uppers in my system. I would have given this crazy lady a hug, but she was fat and I don’t associate with fat people anymore. I spent last week either on a Stairmaster or in the sauna. In four days I spent a total of four and a half hours on a cardio machine of some sort and two hours and a half hours in the sauna. I lost four pounds total because I offset some of that hard work with heavy drinking and the use of black tar heroin. (For all the police forces in Tacoma, that last little ditty about heroin use was a joke - so please don’t hunt me down like they do on that DEA show. Thanks.)

Ending Weight: 176

PREVIOUS 25 POUNDS TO FREEDOM COLUMNS ON SPEW

25 pounds to freedom

CHUCK DULA: THE PLATEAU >>>

Editor's Note: As you may recall Weekly Volcano scribe Chuck Dula struck a deal with a bisexual female friend of his. If he can lose 25 pounds by May 1, then said friend - and another female to be determined later - will have a three-way with Mr. Dula. That's what I call inspiration. Chuck will be chronicling his weight loss efforts every Tuesday here on Spew. Below you'll find the latest installment in Chuck's quest to be less fat and have sex with two women at the same time. Enjoy.

Beginning Weight: 180

There comes a time in every man’s life when they reach a threshold. This is a place where you either quit or you suck it up and power through the bullshit. I am at this point. I am running out of ideas while at the same time... running. I have completely plateaued and my body doesn’t want to lose any more weight. I have noticed that meth-heads tend to be on the slim side. Idea, possibly? But I like having my sanity and sleeping- way too much to go down that road. Tomorrow will mark the beginning of the last quarter of my weight loss timeline. I've lost 60% of the weight that I need to lose, and the last 40% of the weight might come off in an unhealthy fashion (like Indian sweat lodge, eating nothing, or doing laps between Portland and Seattle on my bicycle). I am beginning to believe that the joke will be on me. When I finally get down to 170 and confront the two females about “Fantasy-time” they might find it odd that I'm being held up by two friends because I'm too weak to stand.

Ending weight: 180

PREVIOUS 25 POUNDS TO FREEDOM COLUMNS ON SPEW

LINK: Me vs. the stairmaster
LINK: Vegas sucks, like spinning
LINK: Jared can suck it
LINK: Chuck gets fatter
LINK: Racquetball is hard
LINK: Losing weight and three way sex

25 pounds to freedom

CHUCK DULA: ME VS. THE STAIRMASTER >>>

Editor's Note: As you may recall Weekly Volcano scribe Chuck Dula struck a deal with a bisexual female friend of his. If he can lose 25 pounds by May 1, then said friend - and another female to be determined later - will have a three-way with Mr. Dula. That's what I call inspiration. Chuck will be chronicling his weight loss efforts every Tuesday here on Spew. Below you'll find the latest installment in Chuck's quest to be less fat and have sex with two women at the same time. Enjoy.

Beginning Weight: 183.5

I know that machines don't have feelings. I have never watched television and wondered how jealous it was making my cell phone. That would be idiotic.

This outlook almost changed last week.

I came one step closer to not only believing that workout machines had feelings...but that they were sadists. As I climbed to the 200th floor of a non-existent building I had an emotion myself...hate. If you ever want to watch Terminator with a deep and personally rooted anger, I suggest doing the Stairmaster on fat-burner level 11 for one hour. This will truly put you on John Conner's team for the upcoming rise of machines. If my Stairmaster ever decides that humans are a blemish on this earth and they must be exterminated, I will lace up my sneakers and prepare for battle. On another note, the girl who is setting up the threesome, should I lose the allotted amount of weight, added my music page on Myspace - so I know she's down to fuck.

Ending weight: 180

PREVIOUS 25 POUNDS TO FREEDOM COLUMNS ON SPEW

LINK: Vegas sucks, like spinning
LINK: Jared can suck it
LINK: Chuck gets fatter
LINK: Racquetball is hard
LINK: Losing weight and three way sex

25 pounds to freedom

CHUCK DULA: VEGAS SUCKS, LIKE SPINNING >>>

Editor's Note: As you may recall (and despite the fact he mysteriously disappeared last week to run off to Vegas without turning in a column) Weekly Volcano scribe Chuck Dula struck a deal with a bisexual female friend of his. If he can lose 25 pounds by May 1, then said friend - and another female to be determined later - will have a three-way with Mr. Dula. That's what I call inspiration. Chuck will be chronicling his weight loss efforts every Tuesday here on Spew. Below you'll find the latest installment in Chuck's quest to be less fat and have sex with two women at the same time. Enjoy.

Beginning weight 183.5

Note: I spent four day in Las Vegas during this period of time. It was an interesting experience and I was even able to maintain the weight that I had previously held. However, May 1 is fast approaching and I am now behind schedule. With that in mind, here is a recap of the prior two weeks.

I started doing something that no 20-something male should ever do. I started doing the “spinning” class very Tuesday and Thursday morning. For those of you who do not know what “spinning” is, it is when a crazy-in-shape, sweat-coated, instructor, consistently beats you at a race where you’re not moving. I am the Richie Sexson of non-moving bicycles, but I must say that this is quite a workout and I consistently lose up to two pounds of water weight during each session.

Now let’s talk about hell desert.

I don’t like Las Vegas. I don’t like the music they play…anywhere. I don’t like the casinos with bland musical acts and bland comedians and bland buffets. I’ve never been to a place that tries harder to not offend you while at the same time tries to get you to commit biblical sin. A bum asked me for $20 inside the casino that I was staying at. $20!!! Inside a casino!!! That would be like walking into a liquor store and having a completely wasted bum, with an empty fifth in his hand, ask you for $20.

Ending Weight 183.5

PREVIOUS 25 POUNDS TO FREEDOM COLUMNS ON SPEW

LINK: Jared can suck it

LINK: Chuck gets fatter

LINK: Racquetball is hard

LINK: Losing weight and three-way sex

25 pounds to freedom

Editor's note: As you may recall, Weekly Volcano scribe Chuck Dula struck a deal with a bisexual female friend of his. If he can lose 25 pounds by May 1, then said friend - and another female to be determined later - will have a three-way with Mr. Dula. That's what I call inspiration. Chuck will be chronicling his weight loss efforts every Tuesday here on Spew. Below you'll find the latest installment in Chuck's quest to be less fat and have sex with two women at the same time. Enjoy.

Beginning Weight: 186.5

The ideal body fat percentage for males up to 30 years old is between 9 and 15 percent. For females it is 14-21 percent. This is because females always get the benefit of the doubt when it comes to being fat. Which is fine because males get the benefit of the doubt when it comes to being ugly. Supposedly, the ideal weight for a male that’s 5’10” and 27 years old is 173 lbs. That’s stupid because I weigh more than that. According to the same chart, a male who is 7’10” should maintain an ideal body weight of 237 pounds. So keep that in mind. I have grown an average of 1 foot every 5 years so I will hit 7’10” by the time I am 40. Then having a threesome will be as easy as eating a Subway sandwich lathered in mayonnaise and honey and filled with Twinkies.

Note: Jared can suck it.

The Subway diet doesn’t work. I ate the aforementioned amalgamation of tender mouth-love for 4 months and almost died.

Note: None of that ever happened.

I lost 3 pounds last week and I would like to thank Miss Cathy for the inspiration to stray away from Double Decker Supremes and Caramel Apple Empanadas at Taco Bell. But if you haven’t tried the Caramel Apple Empanada yet, you are living an unfulfilled life.

Ending Weight: 183.5